Yesterday, we made the trip to the Montgomery Cancer Center again. It was raining and just not the funnest of trips, but one that was necessary. We got the results from the PET scan that we had the week prior. He has a 4.6 x 3.1 cm mass in the middle right lobe of his lung. The rest of the scan was clear. This is praise. His blood was good, really good. Also, a praise. We are scheduled for a biopsy on Tuesday of next week.
I must admit, when they gave us the news, I was calm. I didn’t cry, scream, or even get scared. I had peace. Now, I know full well that peace ONLY comes from God. It is because so many others have been praying for Braxton, for me, and for our family. I have had several confirmations this past week, whether it be in song or in study, that God has his hand on this. He is preparing to show off in some kind of way because he has told me that it’s all going to be okay. The road may be hard and painful, but in the end, we are going to have a story for our testimony.
I don’t have the answers. I don’t even have all the questions. But I know that God is the God of healing. Yahweh Ropheka. My God, my healer. He is who I pray to and who I take Braxton to on a daily basis.
In the meantime, I am keeping myself busy with my schoolwork, my cookie stuff, homeschooling the girls, and trying to build my graphic design portfolio. The image above is something I am working on selling. Each one is custom-designed with the names of your family. If you are interested in one, please comment or message me!
We all worship in different ways. Some of us connect to God through a good message delivered from a pulpit, some through reading of His word, some through a discussion in class, and some through music. Now I’m not saying that you are an “only one kind of worship” person. I’m not. I get something from God in all those ways. But God knows that if He needs me to hear something, and I mean really hear Him, then He plays me a song.
Yesterday I had a weak moment. When you are called to be strong in the face of a significant trial, it’s hard. When we first heard the news, I crumbled to the ground. I know. I know. We didn’t have a full diagnosis, but still. The way my mind works is that it goes to the worst-case scenario. If I can handle the worst case, then I know I’ll be ok. But I couldn’t fathom the worst case.
Coming back to yesterday. I read the paperwork on lung cancer from the doctor. Mistake #1. Then, mistake #2, I googled. NEVER. GOOGLE.
My anxieties took a nosedive off a high cliff, right into the pit of despair, and the flood of tears broke through the dam I was trying to build. I cried out LOUDLY to God to heal my husband. I also read something that I had shared with Braxton: “I command his blood cells to destroy every disease germ and virus that tries to inhabit his body. I command every cell of his body to be normal in Jesus’ name. Every cell in his body is quickened by the Spirit of God and functions perfectly.”
Now, I have never been that bold. But my God is BIG. He is the God of the impossible, the improbable, and the 1/10. So yeah, I got BOLD. And I yelled it! I’m pretty sure Markalynn thought I lost my mind, but that’s ok.
I went back to cleaning up and wiping down the dining room table, and I said, “God, I just need some good news. It’s been a hard couple of weeks. Just give me some good news.”
I walked back into the kitchen, where that little black dot was playing worship music, and the song “Firm Foundation” by Cody Carnes was playing. Normally, I sing this song loudly. But I couldn’t. The words just would not come out along with the tears.
The song opens like this: “Christ is my firm foundation The Rock on which I stand When everything around me is shaking I’ve never been more glad That I put my faith in Jesus ‘Cause He’s never let me down He’s faithful through generations So why would He fail now? He won’t He won’t”
I worshipped through tears and the lump in my throat as I tried to sing this song.
Then God.
Next he played Mercy Me’s Sing (Like You’ve Already Won).
Somewhere out there hanging by a thread All of your strength is gone, strength to keep holding on And don’t buy those lies that are in your head (Ooh) That say you should just give up, that you’ll never be enough (Ooh) Remember, you’re a child of the King
[Chorus] Sing, sing like you’ve already won Be grateful for all He has done As long as there’s air in your lungs, sing
You’re so much stronger than you think The Spirit that brought Christ back to life Is the same one you have inside So next timе, when there’s a wall standing in your way Sing along with that nеw song in your soul And watch them fall like Jericho, sing
[Chorus] Sing, sing like you’ve already won Be grateful for all He has done As long as there’s air in your lungs, sing Sing, sing like you finally believe Your name has been changed to redeemed So with every breath that you breathe, sing
That’s God, right? He was speaking to me! So I worshipped.
Braxton called me a little later and said, “Do you want to hear some good news?”
That’s God, right? Isn’t that what I had JUST prayed for?!
The news was that the biopsy was canceled because the radiologist thinks that it might be pneumonia, and did not want an invasive procedure done unnecessarily. So they wanted to get the PET scan done first. Now, I am not gonna lie. I PRAISED God very loudly at this point. We don’t want false hope, but to me, at this moment, this is the 1/10th I have been praying for all week.
I know. The odds are stacked against us and we are on an emotional rollercoaster. BUT. In this moment. I am claiming God. I will worship in this storm and I will take a small amount of hope and cling to that.
Yesterday we took our first visit to the Montgomery Cancer Center. A visit, to be honest, I was most anxious about a week ago. It has taken a full week to get from a CT scan where the local doctor said it “looks like” cancer to actually getting in to see an oncologist.
We have been inundated with calls, texts, words of encouragement, and more prayers than we could have ever imagined this week. We have felt the presence of God. God gave us peace in this anxious time that only He can give.
As we walked into the Montgomery Cancer Center, we were immediately greeted by a smiling gentleman who asked us why we were there and took us right where we needed to be. They have some of the most smiling and caring volunteers to get you to where you need to be; I was amazed. The check-in desk that we sat at had a verse facing the patients.
This verse has been my verse for many years. It has carried me through some very hard times in my life. I knew, when we sat down, that everything was going to be alright. Because the Lord does, in fact, fight for you if you would only be still.
After the check-in, we were led to the lab and then the doctor’s waiting room. I had brought my sketchbook, school book (because I am a little behind on my homework with all that has been going on), and my Bible. At first, I thought I would sketch a little to get a jump on my homework. (I am in school for a graphic design degree.) Instead, I pulled out my Bible and began to read.
That’s all I wanted to do. I wanted to read and feel God’s words. I often take comfort in the book of Psalms. David’s emotions have allowed me to express myself to God over the years. Let’s face it, sometimes you have to be real with God. He already knows how you feel anyway, but if you are truly going to be in a relationship with Him, you have to express your feelings to Him. He and I have been going head-to-head this week. I am not going to lie. I have struggled with God this past week. He has allowed me to be angry, scared, and quite frankly, overwhelmed.
But He is God. He can handle that. He wants that.
I landed in Psalm 91 and I am going to type it out for you here. I am reading from The Names of God translation, and it puts in the name of God used, which is so powerful to me.
“Whoever lives under the shelter of Elyon (God/Lord Most High) will remain in the shadow of Sadday (God Almighty). I will say to Yahweh (The Lord), You are my Machseh (Refuge) and my Metsuda (Fortress), my Elohim (God) in whom I trust. He is the one who will rescue you from the hunter’s traps and from deadly plagues. He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge. His truth is your shield and armor. You do not need to fear terrors of the night, arrows that fly during the day, plagues that roam the dark, epidemics that strike at noon. They will not come near you, even though a thousand may fall dead beside you or ten thousand at your right side. You only have to look with your eyes to see the punishment of wicked people. You, O Yahweh, are my Machseh! You have made Elyon your home. No harm will come to you. No sickness will come near your house. He will put his angels in charge of you to protect you in all your ways. They will carry you in their hands so that you never hit your foot against a rock. You will step on lions and cobras. You will trample young lions and snakes. Because you love me, I will rescue you. I will protect you because you know my name. When you call to me, I will answer you. I will be with you when you are in trouble. I will save you and honor you. I will satisfy you with a long life. I will show you how I will save you.“
That last paragraph says, “I will protect you because you know my name.” I almost started crying. Why? Because I have spent the last few years reading God’s name and praying His name over different situations in my life. Due to life, I haven’t done it as faithfully as I should have, but life has a way of waking you up sometimes to what is really important.
The meeting with the nurse practitioner and the doctor was comforting in the fact that they both believe we can treat this. We still don’t know 100% that this is cancer. It “looks like” cancer. 9/10 it is cancer. But I know a guy. His name is God. And he THRIVES in the 1/10th of a chance.
My God is the God of impossibles, improbables, and barely a chance. So while yes, it may be the 9/10, I am leaning hard in the 1/10, and we are going to pray to be amazed and fight with all we have to overcome this.
This will be our next testimony.
One thing we were told to do is to walk at least two miles (outside) every day. Braxton is not a big cardio guy; he’d much rather lift weights. But starting today, we are walking.
Many have asked, “What can we do?” Right now, I can’t think of anything, but you can walk with us! If you do, post and #breatheforbraxton. So he can see all who are walking with him!
What started off as a normal Monday, where the girls and I loaded up in the car and drove to Montgomery to spend the night for speech appointments, was changed because my precious husband needed to go to the doctor. He went in early because he thought he had pleurisy, but he felt he would be in and out and would be back home before we hit the road. We were texting as I was loading up, and something in my gut told me I didn’t need to go, but he told me I did, so I got everything ready, and off we went.
As I was getting gas, he called, but I wasn’t where I could answer. I tried calling as soon as I got in the truck, but then he didn’t answer. I was about 10 minutes down the road when he was able to call me. He had to go in for a CT scan because they saw a spot on his lung that concerned them. That was it; I was turning around. I called and cancelled appointments and made a beeline for the hospital where he was.
The girls and I rushed in and found him. We waited for what seemed like an eternity before they took him back for the scan. Then the wait for the results was even longer. By this time, everyone in town knew that he was having some tests done for chest pain, and texts were coming in and prayers were going up. One of our friends and local pastors stepped in to check on us right before the doctor came in to give us the news.
We found two spots on your lungs that “look like” cancer.
Braxton looked to me. I was sitting with the girls, snuggled up to me. His eyes widened, and I knew that was the last thing on his mind. Not the words we wanted to hear. Not the gut punch we were expecting. But here we are with something that “looks like” something we don’t want.
I had to make phone calls that I didn’t want to make. I had to answer questions I didn’t know how to answer. And now I need to find the strength that I don’t know how to find.
But what I do know. It may “look like” one thing, but it can very well BE something else.
What I do know is that MY GOD is powerful. MY GOD is a healer. MY GOD is bigger than any of this, and He knew that we were going to hear those words yesterday. He also knew that he had moved us to a town a few years ago that would totally surround us in prayer the moment those words were uttered.
We are now on day two of what it “looks like,” and I made a decision. I had a phone call yesterday that told me I was allowed to break down and spiral for 24-48 hours, and then after that, I had to get up and fight. It hasn’t quite been 24 hours, but I am coming up off the floor with my gloves on. I am working on damming up the tears. My girls need to see us strong and not afraid. My husband needs to see his wife not crumbling every time she looks at him. My son needs to hear the strength in my voice and not a quiver when I talk to him. I need to breathe in deep the word of God so that it will sustain me in this process.
The names of God have been a love of mine for many years now. When I first met Braxton, he and I decided to do a names of God study, and I got us both a Names of God Bible to use. It is so rewarding to see God’s name and how it is used in scripture. I have been praying for Jehovah Rapha (the God who heals) to reach down from heaven and just touch Braxton’s lungs. Right now, he is in pain and can’t take a deep breath.
This morning I got up early, and as I prayed some more, I opened my Bible to Exodus 15. In verse 26, it says, “He said, ‘If you will listen carefully to Yahweh your Elohim and do what he considers right, if you pay attention to his commands and obey all his law, I will never make you suffer any of the diseases I made the Egyptians suffer, because I am Yahweh Ropheka.”
Yahweh Ropheka (ro-FEH-ka). The Lord Who Heals. Another name of healing in scripture. My God is the God who heals. My God is Yahweh Ropheka.
The Psalms have always been a comfort to me and have taught me how to process my emotions in prayer to God. David, who wrote the Psalms, was considered a friend of God. (God’s words, not mine). And David yelled at God in anger. I have heard so many times over the years that you can’t be angry at God. Why not? David was!
I turned to Psalms for encouragement, and Psalms 142 is where I landed. The name of God used is Yahweh, but for my prayer, I am changing it this morning.
“Loudly, I cry to Yahweh Ropheka. Loudly, I plead with Jehovah Rapha for mercy. I pour out my complaints in his presence and tell him my troubles. When I begin to lose hope, you already know what I am experiencing.
Pay attention to my cry for help because I am very weak. Rescue me. Release me. I will praise you and give thanks to your name.
Righteous people will surround me because you are good to me.” (heavily paraphrased)
Pray for healing. Pray for strength. Pray for wisdom. Pray for the right doctors. Pray for Braxton. Pray for our family.
Just pray. Storm the doors of God’s throne room and usher us into his presence.
Life on E Street 